Keep Calm and Carry On

October is National Kitchen & Bath Month, so at HEP Sales/North Main Lumber that is cause for celebration. So, I made posters for all the stores to post in their Kitchen areas capitalizing on the "Keep Calm" meme.

It's a Tankless Job, but Somebody's Gotta Do It

Tankless water heaters are great. Instead of heating a whole container of water (as much as 40-50 gallons), a tankless water heater heats small amounts of water as it passes through your water pipes. The downside is, they cost a lot more than the traditional tank water heater. So, selling tankless water heaters to the public involves an educational process that falls to the salesperson.

Advertising's job is to catch the eye of the public with an immediate benefit.
We wanted to put signs up in all the stores to draw their attention to the tankless water heaters, and we needed something to catch the consumer's eye.

The advantage of the Tankless Water Heater is the "unlimited" hot water: you are no longer tied to a 40 gallon limit. No more "cold showers" if you are the last one up in a large family.

The advantage of the Tankless Water Heater is that it is an "on-demand" system: it heats the water when you use it. This appeals to the dollar-conscious consumer --  "Why should I pay for something that I'm not at home to use?" 

Again, an appeal to the dollar-conscious consumer --  why repeat unnecessary actions
when a Tankless Water Heater only heats the water when you use it! 

Another more colorful restatement of the benefit of the Tankless Water Heater -- it heats the water when you use it. Putting it into temporal terms of "Tomorrow Morning" and "This Afternoon" drives home the point of the traditional water heater's inefficiency for modern life.

Selling Refrigerators to Eskimos?

A few years back, the Coen Brothers made a movie in which a man was charged with a murder he did not commit. His lawyer came up with a defense based on a scientific theory he had heard once, about how you can tell where an atom is but you can't tell how fast it is moving, or you can tell how fast it's moving, but not pinpoint it's position. I thought, only the Coens would use Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle as a plotpoint in a movie. And the best part about it, the lawyer (played by Tony Shaloub) couldn't remember the scientist's name. So those in the audience who knew of Heisenberg, got it, but they didn't have to toot their own horn about it.

So, I thought Heisenberg's buddy Schrodinger deserved a little love for his thought experiment, popularly known as Schodinger's Cat.

How Do You Make Hardware Sexy?

For the most part, what we sell at a hardware store and lumberyard are commodities.
Screws are screws, 2x4s are 2x4s, and 1-1/2" diameter PVC p-traps are 1-1/2" diameter PVC p-traps.

And, for the most part, the names of the manufacturers of commodity products mean nothing to the consumer.

In our market, the top manufacturer of sheet metal ductwork is Gray Metal Products, so to have a little fun, I wanted to tie in to the craze over the book "50 Shades of Gray" and show how to make commodity hardware sexy.

We got a big bump in our FaceBook views as we rolled this out over several weeks.

FaceBook Photos

On FaceBook, the unusual item is what piques interest. At HEP Sales, your Hometown Hardware store, we wanted to bump up our FaceBook following and reinforce our advantage over the Big box stores: the depth of our product line and the deep knowledge of our counter staff. We found a series of unusual looking items that we would run as a series, "Hit Like if  you know what this is."

The series is turning out to be very successful, raising our following by over 500% (and growing!) and our Talked About status has jumped 300%!

"Check Out My PEX" T-Shirts

T-shirts are a perennial favorite "giveaway" item for hardware stores and lumberyards -- contractors love 'em and the free advertising to have your name on a human billboard is priceless.

One contractor can carry your name all over the county (what we call "reach" in advertising terms) or work at the same job site for several days in a row (what we call "frequency.")

So, when ZURN wanted to do something different to advertise their line of PEX tubing and fittings, I suggested a t-shirt. We had recently had  great success with t-shirts in "safety green" an almost fluorescent yellow-green t-shirt. I suggested we use this for ZURN along with the phrase "Check out my PEX" on the chest, a play on words that I thought would be appealing to plumbers and general contractors everywhere.

To tie this into ZURN, we are giving away the t-shirt FREE to customers spending $250 (or more) in ZURN PEX tubing and fittings. Results have been very gratifying.

A lot of plumbers in New York and Pennsylvania are proud of their PEX!

The Auburn Ladies' Open House

At our Auburn branch, Lydia, our Certified Kitchen Designer, wanted to have an event to highlight our Kitchen & Bath Showroom and let people know about the wonderful resource they have right under their fingertips. We promoted the event in our monthly sales flyer, on radio in the Auburn market, with color signs that were distributed to local markets, and through Social Media, specifically our FaceBook account.

We wanted something consistent, recognizable, and funny that would appeal to our women followers. I put together a series of "ads" that could run the week prior to the event, reminding people of the upcoming event, and keeping the awareness up.

Monday morning's ad

Tuesday morning's ad

Wednesday morning's ad

Thursday morning's ad

Friday morning's ad

Saturday morning's ad

A House of No Historical Value

Once upon a time in a very nice city, there was a very nice street. And, on that street there was small, plain, white house.

The white house had a real estate sign in the front yard.  The white house knew that every time the sign appeared, the family that lived there would move out. 

The white house loved young children.  She enjoyed having them play in the front yard.

The white house did not have an Italian garden, or miniature fruit trees, or a swimming pool like other houses on the very nice street. 

But the white house did have a large expanse of lawn in the back that was perfect for kickball in the summer …  and Fox-and-Geese in the winter.

The white house sat plainly on her lot, looking window-to-window with the house next door, a Victorian Painted Lady.

The Painted Lady’s color scheme was pink and purple and aqua that its owners always referred to by numbers.  Like most Victorians, she was very tall, with tall windows, a very tall turret, and a Cupola that looked like a crown at the very top.  The Painted Lady sat very smugly on her lot and did not talk to the plain, white house.

“What an eyesore,” the Painted Lady said. The white house thought she was referring to the real estate sign.  “A house like that does not belong on our street.”

“I quite agree,” came the confirmation from the other side of the little white house.

On the other side of the plain, white house was The Splendid Colonial.  He was Nantucket Blue, and was always painted every fourth year.  (He had just gotten his quadrennial coat last month.)

His lawns were watered every afternoon. The Splendid Colonial’s owners liked to walk around the yard and pull up little bits of crabgrass and little stray maple saplings that had found their way into their flower beds.  

Once they even found a Black Walnut sapling. That puzzled the Splendid Colonial’s owners greatly as there were no Black Walnut trees on their street.  (The white house knew that an absent-minded squirrel had buried the nut last fall and had forgotten about it by the spring.)

Most days, the white house felt inferior to her grand neighbors.  But on sunny days, she opened her windows and let the breeze ruffle the curtains, and then she felt better.  

This day was a bright Sunday afternoon, so she tried not to fret about it.  A group of people were walking along the sidewalk from house to house on the very nice street.

They stopped in front of the Splendid Colonial.  “This is a splendid Colonial,” said the guide of the walking tour. Everyone oohed and aahed.  

When they were done taking pictures and making notes in their tour programs, the tour guide said, as he shepherded them past, “And this is a house of no historical value.”  Some people stopped and looked, and one took a picture anyway.  Then they noticed they had become Stragglers and they hurried to catch up to the tour.

The white house slept in the afternoon sunlight. It was a warm day and the house liked to remember all of the happy families that had lived there over the years.

A car stopped in front of the white house and a man, his wife, and his two small children climbed out of the car. “This is it,” the man announced, and he waved his hand at the plain, white house.  The children climbed up the front steps and sat down and looked out towards the street.  

The man hugged his wife.  “This is the house I grew up in.”

“Should we buy this house, kids?” the man called to the children on the front porch.  “Oh, yes,” they said, and they ran off to explore the back yard.

“Then this will be our home,” the man said.  He pulled the real estate sign from the ground.

The plain, white house smiled.  “I now know what I am,” she said to herself, proudly.  “I may be a House of No Historical Value, but I am a Home.

© 2009, Jonathan Cowles

The Plot To Kill Hitler's Dog

Drew Carey used to tell a joke along the lines of: I fell asleep while channel surfing between the History Channel, Animal Planet, and Biography, and I dreamt about a documentary: The Plot To Kill Hitler's Dog.

Now, it's pretty well known that Hitler was a dog lover, and FDR, of course, had his Scottish Terrier, Fala. What if Fala was jealous of Hitler's dog, Blondi? What if Fala, in an attempt to win the psychological war, plotted to deprive Hitler of his beloved pet?

Once upon a time in a place called Brooklyn, there lives a dog named Scotty.

Scottie is the king of his domain – ten blocks of Brooklyn.  He knows every tree, every fire hydrant, every restaurant, every backdoor and every back alley. And everywhere he goes, everyone knows Scottie.

He has his routine, his early morning rounds, his afternoon rounds, and his night rounds. He knows when the chef at Cosi Fan Tutti makes tripe. He knows when Mrs Torrelli makes lasagna.

When war comes, to help with the war effort, wartime rationing is instituted, and it hits everyone in Brooklyn hard – and Scotty is no exception. Handouts are less frequent, food is scarcer. People are scared, There is talk of bombings and invasion. Blackouts are common.

Scotty loves blackouts. What’s better for a hungry, little black dog than a blackout? Scotty has free reign of his turf and has his pick of all the garbage cans.

But, even during blackouts, he has to be on the lookout for his arch enemy – the dog catcher.

Scotty is nimble – and shrewd. He uses the night to his advantage. He uses his speed and agility, and he hides in the shadows. And, once again, he eludes the clutches of the dog catcher, when –

He’s scooped up into a black limo and whisked away.

Then bundled onto an airplane and flown to Washington, DC.

Then another black limo that drives to a secret underground entrance at the White House. He is ushered in by the Secret Service and comes face to face with Fala, the White House First Dog.

Fala needs Scotty because Scotty is an exact double for Fala.

And Fala has hatched a scheme to kill Hitler’s Dog, Blondi.

(more to come...)

Radio Days

Here are some radio scripts I wrote for Sibley's department store. The first set is for our intimate apparel department named Amanda's Closet, started to compete with the then-new Victoria's Secret. The thrust of these ads was to be a little naughty, in keeping with the theme and design of the department. Alas, they were deemed a little too sexy for our image.

And, of course for the holiday season, we had the "Dear Santa" versions.

The second set is a series of light-hearted scripts for the young men's department. There was an adventure writer at that time named Tim Cahill, who took amazing adventures and wrote about them for magazines such as Outdoors. A collection of his articles had been published in book form, called "Jaguars Ripped My Flesh." These ads followed in that adventurous spirit, and the emphasis was on the imagination, and painting pictures in your mind.

The Young Men's department did a lot of radio advertising, for the most part generic price advertising that ran on WCMF-FM since they owned the men's demo in Rochester. I came up with quite a few different ways of advertising the Young Men's department, highlighting ADG's house brand, "Rugged Elements."

We also had the opportunity to run radio for Jockey underwear, an opportunity to use the Theatre of the Mind to get customers to visualize The Man in the Jockey Underwear.

2010 Golf Tournament for Vendors & Contractors

Every year, we put on a golf tournament to bring together our vendors with our best contractor customers, for an afternoon of golf, a little business, dinner, and a lot of camaraderie.
Our slogan is "Shop Where the Builders Shop." For our tournament, I modified that in a playful, tongue-in-cheek way on our sponsor signs:  "Golf Where the Builders Golf."

To add an element of fun and competition to the afternoon, I designed a series of T-shirts that would be passed out to the golfers at the end of the competition. I selected vendor names that could be paired with appropriate colloquial verbs indicating victory.

As the event approached, however, the decision was made, while the shirts were funny and would be well-received at the dinner after the day of golf, the money would not be spent for further "giveaway" prizes.